On March 11th, I made a decision to consciously back away from writing and Twitter while I do some soul-searching. I have multiple challenges that I’m dealing with at the moment, including stresses from work and a serious lack of confidence and motivation. I appreciate the kind words that some of my Twitter followers left for me, and I’m also sure that decision to back off after receiving a rejection notice (that I expected) from the ESA regarding E3 has something to do with my thought process. 

Since this is my personal blog– although it’s been largely gaming-centric since its creation– I’m going to shoot straight and speak candidly. 

I’m honestly considering giving everything up. The blog, writing in general, Twitter, and so on. I have come to the realization in recent days that my dream of following in the footsteps of so many other writers that I admire just isn’t in the cards. I’m not going to make anything out of myself doing what I’ve been doing, and I’m at a turning point where I am asking myself whether it’s worth it to keep going, just for the sake of being involved in the gaming press in any capacity. I’m not certain that my writing quality is improving, and I am finding that a lot of what I’m saying about the industry in general is becoming redundant. I sound like a broken record when it comes to many issues. I still feel lost in a few areas, too, and that’s nobody’s fault but my own. I’m one voice in a cast of thousands, and I don’t know that it’s enough. 

I’ve tried to hold out hope that something would fall into place and give me incentive to pull things together. My dream of working “in the industry” for a living is really just that: a dream. I don’t think that I’ve ever really had a shot at making that happen, and for some damn-fool reason, I had this thought that proving myself at E3 would make some tiny bit of difference. I put all of my eggs in one basket, and they all went rotten when the ESA announced its crackdown on attendance for this year’s event. It’s now one of those situations where I have to figure out why– or if– I want to be involved in the gaming press since my former goals are seemingly unattainable. Perhaps my reasoning is selfish, and you have every right to believe that. I just wanted the opportunity to prove myself on the big stage instead of doing what I’ve done for years– reporting from home while colleagues are actually experiencing things first-hand. 

The rejection was the tipping point, but there have been other doubts rattling around in my head. My ADD is winning the focus battle more often than not, so working on news stories is very hard for me. I can’t focus on them. I’m thinking about too many other things… what games I need to be playing, how I’m going to afford them, whether anyone is actually reading what I’m writing, and so on. I’m sure that some of you understand how difficult a battle this is. It’s slightly easier to fight this battle when you keep telling yourself that you have something to motivate and drive you. I’ve also been frustrated by “real life” stuff that I can’t get away from. I’m really unhappy in my current job, but if I want to survive, I have to suck it up and keep doing it– like millions of others besides me. I get easily flustered and stressed when I have to deal with more than two people at a time and my mind races to what else is going on instead of what’s in front of me. I was secretly hoping that fulfilling this dream of mine could have been a way out… to finally get a job that I knew I could do well and whose source material made it easier to battle the stressors and pressures that came with it. 

So… my status is in limbo right now. I know that’s about as indefnite a status as there is, but I really have to do some serious thinking and can only commit one way or another when I know that I am ready to do so and when my crisis of confidence is resolved.